How to Survive Winter When You’re Baeless, Braless and Broke

Alright, Alright the comeback kid has returned! For the past few months these trigger fingers had turned to twitter fingers and I have not written a post in ages. However as I find myself recovering from a mild form of the plague, plus the combination of shitty wifi, I find myself wanting to write something. It didn’t take long for my very own magic eight ball to inspire my new piece, and I have finally settled on a topic.

I must say, I feel a little like Carrie Bradshaw as I speak each word that I type. Like narrating some kind of TV show, except I don’t get the guy, or the penthouse apartment or hell, even a driver’s licence. Instead, I get a cold and in about thirty minutes I have to get out of bed and feed my dogs. I’m so hashtag blessed. Anyway, back to the point. Let me tell you how you can survive winter without a boy, without a bra and without the bucks ( I don’t usually use the word bucks, but I got a b thing going on and I don’t want to mess that up).

I am 22 and a couple months old, which means that I have lived through 22 and a couple of winters, which I think kind of makes me expert at how to survive them. So any advice I give in this post can actually be taken as science.

cold
Brrrrrrr
Firstly, How to survive winter without a bae:

You get a dog. Or at least something that resembles a dog. You could even get a giant fluffy pillow or one of those faux fur blanket from @ Home. You know the one? Like when you touch it your spirit and the spirit of the fibers used to make it actually connect. You literally feel transcended. Not only will you have something waiting on your bed when you come home, you have the guarantee that you will be warm and also a blanket will never leave you, cheat on you or make you feel insecure. However, you could also just drink a few cups of English breakfast tea. Same same, but different.

If you still feel like you need a special someone in our life, listen to the following songs. They are so sad. At first they will make you cry so hard your tears will warm your cheeks and then you’ll be so happy that you’re single and that the song doesn’t apply to your life:

  • I’m a mess – Ed Sheeran
  • Photograph- Ed Sheeran
  • Somebody else – The 1975
  • I’ll be over you – Toto
  • I can’t make you love me – Adele
  • If I’m not the one you want – Nsync
  • Pulling me back – Chingy
  • Somebody’s me -Enrique Iglesias
  • Goodbye my lover – James Blunt
  • We ride – Rihanna

taylor

This one time in first year, it was so incredibly hot so my friend Tad Youtubed videos of Icebergs or something to keep himself cool. Why not try this for winter? If the only point of a boyfriend in winter is to keep you warm, why not just Youtube a fireplace, put your device next to you and voila! Not only will you feel warm, you’ll also feel like you have a fireplace in your bed. Magic.

 

 

Secondly, How to survive winter when you’re broke:

Whoever says you need see a doctor when you have a slight chest infection clearly never tried my own effervescent remedy. I think it is so important as an adult to be able take care of your health without having to fork out R4548764 just for your doctor to tell you what you already know. So this is what you do. You go to the Clicks or the Dischem, or the bubby up the road. You pick up the following : A pack of Cal C Vita, ACC 200, Berocca and Corenza C. You throw all the tablets into one glass, take it three times a day for like a week and you good to go. Don’t be put off by the recommended doses, they’re just there to scare you. You may end up paying like R500 for all of these things but I mean you win some or you lose a lung to influenza.

kermit
When you sip that honey and lemon concoction your holistic friend recommends and you can feel the warm of the lord start to heal you from the inside out.
Another trick to surviving winter when you’re broke is just not leaving the house. That way you don’t spend money, waste a good outfit under a coat and because you never leave the house, you never encounter any germs which means you don’t need to spend any money buying effervescents.

Buying winter clothes is also hella pricey. You got to put down your first born child as a deposit to buy a really good coat from Woolworths, but I suppose it’s worth it. My advice? Well I don’t have any on this. But I’m sure you’ll figure something out.

penguins
Run you little rats, the sale’s almost over
Lastly, How to survive winter braless:

There is nothing better than the freedom of going braless. To be honest, going braless should be all year thing like don’t just think “oh its winter no one’s going to see under these 98 layers” Girl, you do what you want to do and if they see then they see. Let the girls free. But also if you want to wear a bra wear a bra. Okay cool.

candy
When you fly as hell in your bra but you high key tired.
According to my mom winter should be over by June 23, but I’m not sure where she gets her facts from. She might be right about this though cos I already bought a pair of boots on sale. But if Winter ends up being a little bit longer than that, I would strongly advise following my helpful tips to avoid any problems this Winter.

Alright I’m done.

rihanna

 

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